What is your identity?

Please stop reading this article if at any point of time you find it disturbing, hard to understand or too weird...

Last evening I was having a dinner/drinking session with my ex-colleagues. We are a bunch of pals who have come a long way. This is the group of colleagues whom we are very close back then as colleague, offwork as friends and pretty much involve in sharing each other life experiences and stuff.

One of them had come a long way and was doing some counselling, psychology diploma and futher into degree. He was sharing with us on wat he learn in his class and how those learning changes his life. He is someone who has been through a lot and due to his surrounding (freds, work), he is pretty much involve in profiling of person.

He was sharing with us that counselling is not something that is simple as it seems like apply all the theory and practical. How many of us can look at an issue without and prejudices? None! all of us come with experiences of life, teaching and influences from surrounding that form prejudices in us. Before we can subjectively judge an issue, we have already unconsciously "pre judge". In counselling, there are 300 over theories and methods. I think before one can be a sucessful counsellor, he must first go through self discovery, values struggle and openess in any issue. Which how many of us can do that.

Following are not theory from my friend nor from some psychology ppl... they are just some discussions we had and some of my thoughts...

As one move into the different stage of life with more experiences and encounter, you will come to a stage of discovery. One can be "I am the one to judge cos I know everything", or "Who am I to judge"... in life there is no right or wrong. When we talk about self discovery. How many ppl is really able to face your true self. When being ask "Who are U?" what is your answer? wife/hb to ur spouse, mother/father of ur child, best fred to a buddy, a manager at work? These are not who u are. These are the roles you play. And u din defined these roles, these roles are put on you. When it come to identity, did you choose the identity u are now? Or are u simply living under the identity that people have in perception of u? Or the perception you want people to have on you?

When you really can come to term that U need to find an identity of your real self. You will start to question, wat is your real self? How many ppl can really face the real self in them... all of us know our surface, but how many is able to face the darkside of one inner let alone to share. None of us will share our dark side... some are even unwilling to face their own dark side. Its not scary to know that everyone has a dark side, but it take courage for one to truthfully face his/her own dark side. The dark side need not be something bad, it might be some actions, values that is the real you. But because you want to be like the "norm" so u choose not to face it or admit to it.

How many time do u feel "lonely" among a crowd? I feel that all the time. Not because I am siao. Because everyone see and feel things differently. The one who are the "norm" might be the abnormal ones... because they might be wearing a mask (unconsciously or consciously) to present a person, a face which everyone will feel it should be the normal behaviour. The ones who really dare to face up to who they are, either labelled as hermit, werido or the siao lang in IMH. How many of us can stand straight up to stand by or point of view? very few.... for example, your view of an issue is A, but because A is not "normal", we would most probably choose B to go with the "norm".  Not because you are fake or unsincere, it is because you dun wish to be outcast, dun wish realise that you are "werid" in another words, you are unwilling to face your real self, or maybe the its too heavy a price to pay to be your "real self".

Do you believe in fate and destiny? I used to believe in fate, I believe that everyone life is a destiny that has been prefixed by some unknown sources... very unscientific. Do you believe in controlling your destiny? I never feel that one can control his fate or destiny. For the past, l live by everyday believing that I need not try hard to control my life, because LIFE has its fate and destiny. As life experiences and encounters, I still believe we cannot control our fate and destiny, BUT I believe we have the choice of life, we have to choice to choose the path we want. May it fate and destiny pre defined wat come along the way, One has the choice to choose the path and thus leading to an expected/unexpected end result.

How often did you challenge your values? How you defined "good" and "bad" values, what is right and what is wrong? Who are we to judge ppl with our own perceived value? Its scary to challenge your own values. You can be in a self denial stage to feel that you have the good and correct value all the time. Infact that is because you are not open to the ideas and thoughts that actually no one can define how good or bad is the value. You can only do, practice, behave by your own value, by the value u believe in. But we are of nobody to judge anyone with our own perceive value.

I feel that its not scary to live in a self denial life. Because at that point you are still believing in wat you believe. The most scary and most difficult part is to come to term with the real self in yourself. To admit who u really are, wat your values really are and to realise that you are the one who has never change! You might be trying to change the people around you, by influencing, by installing the values u have. But ultimately the scary part is to realise that you are the one who is resistance to accepting the facts, resistance to realise that you are the one who is unwilling to change because you want the whole world to change to the way you wanted it.

A friend say, nothing in this world stay forever, changes is everywhere, the only thing that doesnt change is CHANGE. 

But along the way, may it be alot of changes, Characters are something that will never change, it only get modified along the way, but ultimately you are still who u are from the day u 1st cry. Its a matter of how one can come to term with it.

Afterall, these are very thought provoking and self challenge. After reading what I have written so far, if one think I m siao or thinking too much, its ok... because everyone of us have different level of thinking. For example, last night my fred ran a test on us, (4 views). Its a real case. A model student who has a dark side of torturing cat. He likes to beat the cat and throw it down enjoying the sight of the bloody body. One day as he was about to throw the cat off a building, his teacher walk past and saw the scene. What do you think the teacher and the boy would react. Amazing, 4 of us give different answer. In such a simple questions, the answers can be so diversify.

If one is not thinking, its good, cos one most probably be happier. But pls dun classified people who think and think deeply as siao or "think too much", because they are not. They are merely trying to understand themselves better and finding answer in their innerself. One can call me a deep thinker but dun make the remark that I "think too much". Because before one make their remark and comments, think back, who are you to judge.

A good counsellor is not one who give u the answer. 100% of the time, the answer lies in yourself. A good counsellor merely help u to dig the answer out of you. Most of the time, I discover the answer in me by talking. That is why I talk a lot. :P , I m not trying to influence nor get solution nor advice. I am trying to dig the answer in me. Maybe this is a form of self-counselling.

Woman talk for the sake of talking because they need to get things off their chest and to come to a closure and find the answer in one self. Man talk when they need to ask for a solution. They will not talk if they already have the answer.