Life in motion? Or life in Passion?

Life in motion? Or life in Passion? I heard the statement on the radio in the cab while only way to the airport on a business trip to Yangon.

In these few weeks,  I have repeatedly ask myself what I m good in doing and what I enjoy doing... I guess I have been living life in motion for the longest time... But who dun live life in motion... We do what our parents asked us to do, what our bosses ask us to do... Even when our kids can control what we have to do... Even what we read online, papers can control us in our thinking...

Comparing now to back then... Same situation... Standing at the cross road... To move I or stay put.... This time round... It's either I m more mature in managing the situation or the situation is on a higher level of challenges...

Being 30s is not the age where u can still cry father cry mother when u face a problem. Stuck in a sandwiched class definitely required a more mature attitude in resolving or understanding the problem.

And most importantly is 30s a age where u can still take challenges and gamble your future??? I m at this situation whereby I dun think I m scaring myself... I do admit a lot of time I am in a panic mode and might blow up a situation more on the negative side... And usually the problem go away before I really need to solve it.

But the fact that this issue has been in my mind for weeks and even affection my emotion... I dun think it is something that will go away... Until I come to a conclusion on how I should deal with it.

Although I always say work and career is not everything...I slowly realize that only the younger ppl have the privilege to say so... When bread and butter is concern esp when u have progress to certain standard level of living.... How many can be so 潇洒自如....

I dun think I have 入错行, I have never regret my move into any of my job... But I start to feel that I might have been too "playful" with my selection without taking into consideration of any exit strategy...

Now that this one is 混不下去, I start to panic when I cannot find alternative... In additional, all my previous encounter were 自己不想混下去, this time round is 别人不让你混下去... The feeling is very different...

So I try to analyze the problem... As if like writing a paper... Background, external factors, internal standing, assessment and conclusion.

Background: The organization is on a killing spree... On the pretext of improving competitiveness. But guideline on survival, unclear. Meaning u can do what u think can help your survival rate but it's not 100%.

External factors: Bosses themselves are also under the mercy of the new system.. They r trying hard to survive as well... When it comes to this kind of situation... One better wake up and stop cpcb (kao pei kao bu) ... Like the theory of the hunter looking at a flock of bird and decide which one to shoot... The one who get the attention most get shot!

But that does not mean if u keep quiet u will be safe.... Cos u will be deemed useless and not contributing... Like a nest of bee... U just do ur work and not "magnifying" your effort, when times come for reporting... U will be the easy target to build the base (垫底）cos without the base the high profile one cannot go up... There is a need for high, medium, low... If everyone is the same and get the same reward, there will not be competition and thus no competitiveness.

Internal standing: I would want to look elsewhere, but the market is bad... I cannot be 任性 to just show my displeasure of the system because end of the day I will be at the losing end. I cannot go with the flow because it's not by covering ur conscious u can do it and be safe... What u are doing which u think it's safe might just backfire and kill u. And ultimately... Do u still want to be in this game?

Assessment: I highly think its not possible to land into a similar job scope with similar pay... Even if willing to take a pay cut, the market is too competitive... It's difficult to brunch into new area... 30s is not the age where ppl are willing to let u gamble the role they are looking for... Plus I m really the "jack" and not the master.

Continue to stay put and live life in fear for all I know my reputation get really smelly for doing the right thing wrong or the wrong thing right... The line is too thin...

Conclusion : I just need to figure out my mindset on how to progress next... And most importantly I m lack of one thing... The "right opportunity"!

It has been a mental stressing weeks where I have to challenge myself in what I am thinking... An internal battle.... I have come to term that the strongest mindset is where u know u can fall back to a basic... To where u start from... But it's not easy facing it...

Being at a level where not above others yet but on a average standing, to go back to basic and be able to take others opinion and view on u is definitely not easy....

I started to explore start up business but operating cost is too high... Childcare business seems good and they even sponsor u for training and of course u have to sign a 2 years bond... Average pay is 2k and it will be for the next 3 years or so.... Then u might not be able to turn it into a business due to high operating cost.....

Home business, work from home model where the Internet has load of information but 90% are unreal... Almost got cheated... Luckily Google and some blog talk about it... Beware of easy money... Nothing is easy and those scam on the Internet should really go and bang the wall... The fact that ppl is looking around for such opportunity is because they are feeling at wits end and yet these online fako still cheat them of their money!

Taxi uncle telling me that driving taxi can give a decent income... Blog shop owner telling me, selling things online is workable but high risk of failing. I have experienced the Internet bubble bursting era and fully aware... And when that happen, many fall back to basic which I m one of them.

There r things I enjoy doing but I know it's hard to make a living... I m also fully aware that I dun have deep pocket to try and error... Most importantly time is not my side... I m no longer young and can blame my failure on age... As I aged I cannot also be a bump and complain about how life is unfair... Wat a shitty situation...

I guess I just lack the courage to make a decision and stay firm by it. Decisiveness does not grow with age.